nerd jokes


3 engineers and 3 accountants were taking a trip to a conference. At the train station, each accountant bought their ticket. However, the engineers only bought one ticket for all three of them. The accountants asked how they were going to get away with only having one ticket, and the engineers told them to watch and see.

After they boarded the train and it started moving, all three engineers locked themselves in the bathroom. When the conductor came to collect the tickets, he knocked on the door. The door cracked open and a hand shot out with the ticket. The conductor, not knowing that there were three people inside, took it and moved on. After he left the car the engineers came out. The accountants, were impressed, and told the engineers that they would try the same trick on the return trip.

On the way back, the accountants got one ticket, but the engineers didnt get any. The accountants laughed and wondered how the engineers were going to get themselves out of this one. After everyone boarded the train, and it started moving, the engineers hid in one bathroom, while the accountants did the same in the other one. Just before the conductor entered the car, one of the engineers came out, walked up to the accountants’ bathroom, and knocked on the door.

Some people say the glass is half full, others say it’s half empty. Engineers say the glass is twice as large as it needs to be.

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

Three condemned people are to be executed via the guillotine.

First condemned person steps up, a minister. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn’t come down. Minister cries out: "God knows I am innocent!" He’s pardonned.

Second condemned person is a revolutionary agitator. Switch is pulled. Blade doesn’t come down. Guy cries out: "The revolution cannot be stopped!" He’s pardonned.

Third condemned is an engineer. Same deal. He looks up, points up, says, "I think your problem is that the cable is binding right here..."

A man is flying in a hot air ballon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I was supposed to meet a friend 30 mins. ago, but I don’t know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer." says the balloonist.

"I am." replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am." replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well", says the man. "You don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow MY fault."

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, "COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren’t nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don’t worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don’t even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What’s wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can’t bait ’em!"

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