Jokes

A young boy asked his father, "What's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father thought for a while, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So, the boy went to his mother and asked, "Mom, would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would. I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that! I would have to be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two hookers."

The father replied, "That's my boy!"

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination" said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

A wealthy contractor liked to know something about all the employees who worked for him.

One day he came upon a young man who was expertly counting out a large wad of the firm's cash.

The contractor asked the man, "Where did you get your financial training, young man?"

"Yale," the man answered.

"That's good," said the contractor, who was an advocate of higher learning.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Yackson," came the reply.

A woman was in the kitchen boiling eggs for breakfast.

Her husband walks in and she says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

The husband, thinking it's his lucky day, makes love to her on the kitchen table. Afterward he says, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken!"

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Johnny do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?

"Stay the fuck away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny. I'm homesick."

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"