Jokes
Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.
Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year med students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."
An attractive female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Your boobs."
A father catches his son masturbating. He says, "Don't do that son or you'll go blind."
The kid says, "Pop, I'm over here."
A wife was furious with her husband, saying, "You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second."
"Why would I come in second?" the husband asked.
She replied, "Because you're an idiot!"
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today." Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would say if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
An extremely ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids. The shopkeeper asks "Are they twins?"
The woman says "No, he's nine and she's seven. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice!"
Three men walked into a bar: a priest, a pedophile, and a homosexual.
But wait. That was just the first guy.
A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping, naked, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
A blonde walks into a New York bank and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5000, and the interest, which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5000?"
The blonde replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for $15?"
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered, "Really? A suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ah, damn. I think I know where my hearing aid is."