“Could you be my soulmate?”

seattle.craigslist.org 02feb09
Whoa! Yes, this is a real CL ad. I'm not that "creative". Read on...

You must be slightly older than me, have very little ambition, and terrible credit. A criminal record is a plus. You must have the emotional maturity of someone in 9th grade. Preferrably an emo kid in ninth grade. You must be willing to mooch off me for the rest of our lives.

You must have a drinking/drug problem ie. The amount of time you spend drunk or high must be greater than the amount of time you spend at work/exercising/bettering yourself in any way.

You must not be attractive. In any way. Your own mother should not be able to find anything cute about you.

You must lie about going to the gym when in fact you are out with your friends or, hopefully, another woman.

You must hit on my roommate/sister/friends/any woman you meet while we are together.

You must also threaten to beat up my roommate/sister/friends/and mother.

You must always talk about how you can't get a 'real job' right now cause you're just about to 'make it' as a musician/artist/professional athlete.

You must not be talented as a musician/artist/athlete, but expect my full emotional and financial support at all times.

You may not remember my birthday, middle name, eye colour or favorite food, but you should be able to remember every single insecurity I have, and bring them up when we are fighting/with your friends.

Please bring up things past girlfriends have done for you and the many reasons you preferred being with them over me.

When I mention the amount of money I have given you throughout our relationship, please yell at me and try to make me feel as if I am inconveniencing you by letting you know that I have had to pick up extra shifts at work to pay my bills.

Please call me in the middle of the night repeatedly on days when I have to get up early.

Please blame some event in your life that happened at least a decade ago for every problem you have in your life.

Please remind me that you have no ambition because you feel that everyone is "out to get you".

You must demand that I stop hanging out with my male friends because you "saw the way he looked at me".

You must be extremely messy. I mean filthy. I want stains on your clothes and mould growing in your house. I want to not know what the original colour of your bathroom sink is.

and finally you must threaten to commit suicide every time I try to break up with you, and subsequently propose to me with no ring or any plan of following through with marriage.

If this sounds like you, give me a holler! I'm the cute naive girl with low self esteem you've been dreaming about your whole life.

See, I told you it was a good one!