online dating ads from craigslist W4M

i couldn’t make this up even if i wanted to

More gems gleaned from seattle.craigslist.org. This is part 2; read part one here.

Some things you should know I’m a single mom expecting another.
In other words, someone else knocked you up and now you’re horny. Again. How attractive.

I prefer 30-38, tall’ish since I’m a little over 5'8", not too out of shape (though just an FYI that I’m a full figured/thick girl if you care)
Where I come from, what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

If you drive a Prius, Vespa, or ride the bus for ecological reasons, we probably aren’t going to get along very well.
Why? Because I'm an eco-pig? Or are you a 1% oil baron?

I am a social drinker, jack is my best friend, we socialize often.
Lemme guess: you’re not a friend of Bill’s.

I'm a perfect size 10, I just keep it padded with fat to keep it from gettin scratched.
10 points for a good sense of humor!

If you do respond, please be between 26-32 (45 is not between 26-32 but this seems to be a common mistake here on CL).
Ah-ha. I see you’ve used craigslist before. Welcome.

Penis pictures will be distributed to gay friends along with your e-mail address. Plan on being mocked mercilessly.
Humor wins points again.

If you are emotionally unavailable, unemployed, prone to using people (with justification of course),somewhat verbally abusive, selfish, self-centered, egotistical and a commitment phobe... Your my kind of guy. Let’s hook up. Send a pic because all of your flaws have to be outweighed by your extreme good looks.
Me to a T.

If we go out, you are paying. I am old fashion and some men these days think that it’s okay to let a lady pay. Who raised them anyways? This is part of the family value thing comes into play here too.
Thanks for disqualifying yourself.

I am a unhappily, ignored, married, full figured woman looking for that first kiss feeling.
Adultry with a miserable fat chick. Really?

Have atleast a Bachelor’s degree. I like intelligent men. when I say intelligent, I am not looking for a bookworm. I am not looking for a talking encyclopedia. I am looking for someone who has the ability to think, analyze, articulate. Education definitely helps, hence the request for atleast a Bachelor’s degree.
atleast (sic) she’s looking for brainiacs.

I don’t do too well on the domestic side of things. I’ve lived in my house for almost two years and have NEVER turned on the oven. Don’t expect a four course meal from me anytime soon. I love to eat out and of course would love to try anything that you prepare.
Feed me.

Please reply with a picture so I know you’re not my boss :), and tell me a little about yourself
I am your boss and I see you’re doing this at work.

I am an average person looking for a special someone.
Let me get this straight. You’re just average and I’m special. So why oh why would I want to date you?

Looking for a relationship with married man only. Must understand the vacuum that goes on with marriage, and loss of passion, lust ,and desire. I expect you to be squeaky clean, fit, attractive, educated, and at least 49, no older than 52. Non smoker, light drink only. Please be heavily involved with your kids, for they come first. I do not expect to end my marriage, so please no excess baggage, and no trash talk about your spouse. I am looking for one special person, not a series of gents.
Whoa. I’m assuming anyone this specific is for real. That in and of itself is scary.

The world is our oyster and we are at home exploring it.
Which is it? Explorer or homebody?

You: Caucasian
My interests: jazz and world music, ethnic food
Hello. You want a white guy to enjoy yellow, brown, and black culture with? What’s wrong with this picture?

Have Topsiders, Will Travel - 56
Where, oh where is the captain of the ship, the microbrew expert, the composer of snide and derogatory letters to the editors of the Seattle and/or New York Times? Stop going to REI and Marymoor dog park without me; dig out the companion coffee mug to your old faithful and book us into somewhere interesting for jazz, blues, spicy food, single-malt scotches. Thaw out your stock of politically incorrect jokes and line up some local peregrinations and serendipitous road trips. I make a mean gingerbread man and have a fearless disposition. Your checkered marital history and unconventional livelihood merely amuse me and your curmudgeonly personality is a comfort. Write today, eggnog latte season is upon us!
This is almost too good to be true. I’ve included it for contrast; to prove that not all W4M posters are nut jobs. Don’t get excited; I’m happily married (to a woman I met on cl).

Are you: fun, intelegent, outgoing?
Spell check please.
I do have pictures, and i will send one with my responce.
Never mind.

I am a strong woman, who speaks her mind, I know what I want and won’t settle for anything less. So men, who LEFT thier NUTS behind in there pass relationship " Go Get Them Back" I want a man who is a go getter! NO bed buddies!! Or a man who still having his ex-wife ..ex-girlfriend holding his NUTS needs NOT to reply. Know who you are and know what you want!!! But most of all be honest to yourself and me.
I don’t even know where to start with this one. She’s a serial poster cuz I’ve seen her pic on CL on a regular basis for months now.

5'11" caucasion (did i spell that right?)
No it’s “caucasian” but thanks for playing our game.

i’m fine-boned and slim, & i run linux. need any more info? ;)
Your application has been accepted. signed, GeekBoy314

SENSUAL WOMAN - 40
S-SALALACIOUS
E-EROTIC
S-SIZE++
U-UTEROMANI
A-ATTENTIVE
L-LOVING

W-WORK-UP
O-ORAL
M-MACRMASTIC
A-AFTERGLOW
N-NAUGHTY
Ooooo, a poet!

Please be sane and lucid and no wanted posters in the local Post Office. By that I mean, please don’t be out there where the buses don’t run (emotionally/psychologically).
Sounds like someone’s been burned before.

I dream of you...
I’m usually a calm woman, assertive, confident, and well put-together. I’m decisive and sharp, unafraid of telling you why I think you’re wrong. I study hard, I work hard, and I play hard. I have my hobbies that I love. Hardly anything ever rattles me.
Except when I see you. When I see you, my belly tightens and my mind freezes. You are always so nice, so loving to me. But all I want to do is make you happy, and nothing brings me pleasure more than your pleasure. I want to be yours, absolutely, wholly, and completely. I want my actions to be from your decisions. I want my desires to be from your wishes. I want my thoughts to be from your guidance. I would crawl to you in humbleness and kiss your feet in worship, if only I was sure that you wouldn’t chastise me for it.
There is so much that I want, Master, but I would never disobey you and risk your displeasure. For you, I would give up anything: my pleasure, my pain, and my virginity.
Something I might be interested in trying... ;) Only if I meet and like you first, of course.
What, you have to actually like me first? It all sounded so good up til that.

i am very busy. i get so caught up in my work that i often forget to eat, haha. i am always making plans with family and friends and barely have any time for sleep. needless to say, i don’t sleep much =). but i definitely have to say that my life is exactly as i want it ------- full of life, love, friends, family, a career, and most of all, BALANCE.
but i’ve been told that i’m not the best girlfriend. not because i do anything that lacks integrity, but because i lack time. i don’t pay attention to them as much as i’d probably want or even should. i’m kinda insensitive because work will probably always come first...
This sounds like a disaster waiting to land in one’s lap. Any takers out ther?