The best W4M craigslist ad ever!

Can you keep pace with me? - 26

seattle.craigslist.org 24nov07
This is for real. I couldn't make something this good up.

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls, stopping traffic with just a look, and saving the neighborhood from spiders. I am elegant and sophisticated, and have a black belt in karate. I have been known to remodel old castles on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees. I write award-winning operas. I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row, in the open ocean, just for fun. I am an award winning string cheese collage artist. I have toured with Snow Patrol, U2, and The Frames, all in the same month.

I woo men with my sensuous and goddess like clarinet playing. I can pilot skateboards up severe inclines with unflagging speed, I look hot in spandex, and I bake Thirty-Minute Brownies in under twenty minutes. I am an expert in the arts of war, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Argentina. I know more about the unknown than you do. I’ve wrestled with an alligator, and I won.

Using only a rake and a nalgene bottle full of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass fiddle, I was scouted by the world figure skating federation, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. I’ve had 16 minutes of fame. I had a pet polar bear as a child in Alaska. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges between my building and the neighboring one. I enjoy urban hang gliding. I can describe the taste of a glass of wine by simply gazing at it. I can predict the weather in Seattle with stunning accuracy. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete thinker, a ruthless bookie, and a hopeless romantic. I'm a wanted woman, in more than one way. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. Men like the junk in my trunk. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the backstage passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling band of singing dogs. I am the best Kickball player in all of Seattle. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. Babies fear me. I can write my name in the snow as well as in the sand. I'm a lady in public, and a lot of fun in private.

I can hurl soccer cleats at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire studio apartment that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a swing. While on vacation in the Ukraine, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I now get free piroshki for life. The laws of physics do not apply to me; unless I’ve been drinking.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. I understand the importance of dodge, dive, duck, dip, and dodge. On weekends, to unwind, I participate in full-contact origami. Sometimes I slip and slide. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only black bean paste and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I sew all my own clothing. I have won double-dutch contests in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees on Sesame Street. I have played Lady MacBeth, I have performed open-heart surgery, I’ve been to the moon, and I’ve moon-walked on it...and I have spoken with Elvis.

What have you done lately?